Bullying
by Troy Meduna, Cottage Grove Crime Board Member 

Bullying among kids has often been dismissed as a normal part of growing up. Some parents don’t think bullying is a big deal. They think it is a rite of passage to adulthood, that it’s just kids being kids. But for kids, bullying is one of the biggest problems they face at school.

What is bullying?

Bullying includes a wide variety of behavior, but all types involve a person repeatedly trying to harm someone who is weaker or more vulnerable. It can include things such as hitting, threatening, intimidating, malicious teasing, name calling, damaging belongings, spreading rumors, or encouraging others to exclude someone.

Who does it hurt? 

All kids are negatively affected by bullying whether they are the kid being bullied, the witness of a bullying incident, or the bully themselves.

As the victim of bullying a kid feels tense, anxious and afraid. It can affect their concentration in school and can cause them to avoid going to school. It can begin to affect a kid’s self-esteem and feeling of self-worth. It can increase their social isolation, leading them to become withdrawn and depressed. Some teens feel compelled to take drastic measures such as carrying weapons for protection or seeking violent revenge. Others, in desperation even consider suicide. Many kids don’t tell their parents they are being bullied because the feel embarrassed or think telling someone will make it worse.

A witness to bullying can feel guilty or helpless for not standing up to a bully on behalf of a classmate or friend. Some teens may feel compelled to end a friendship or avoid being seen with the bullied teen to avoid losing status or being targeted themselves.

As a bully there is a large number that go on to engage in more destructive antisocial behavior. Bullying is often a warning sight that teens are headed for trouble and are at risk of serious violence. Teens who bully are more likely to engage in other delinquent behavior such as vandalism, shoplifting, truancy, and drug use.

What can I do as a parent?

As a parent, you should identify which category your teen falls into and know that there are steps you can take to help your teen deal with the issue.

If your teen is a victim of bullying you can give your teen these tips to help ward off bullies:

• Advise your child to hold their anger. It’s natural to get angry with a bully, but that’s exactly the response the bully is looking for. Bullies want to know they have control over your child’s emotions. Getting angry just makes the bully feel more powerful.

• Advise your child not to get physical or bully back. Explain to your child that they should not use physical force to deal with a bully. This not only shows your child’s anger, but this escalates the situation where your child may get hurt. Tell your child that it’s best to hang out with others to stay safe and get help from an adult.

• Advise your child to walk away and ignore the bully. Tell you child to look the bully in the eye and ask the bully to stop what they are doing. Ask you child to then walk away and ignore any further taunts. Encourage your child to hold his or head up and walk tall. Bullies thrive on getting signs from your child that they are having an effect on your child. Verbal and non-verbal signs given by your child to the bully that show they don’t care and are unaffected by the efforts will cause the bully to get bored and eventually the bully will stop bothering your child.

• Advise your child to try using humor. In situations where your child cannot walk away from the bully, tell him or her to use humor or offer a compliment to throw the bully off guard. However, tell your child not to use humor to make fun of the bully.

• Advise your child to tell an adult about what is going on. If your child is being bullied, emphasize that it’s very important to tell an adult. Teachers, principals, parents, and lunchroom personnel at school can all help to stop it. Studies show that schools where principals crack down on this type of behavior have less bullying.

If your teen is the witness of a bullying situation, you can give them these tips:

• Ask them to refuse to join in if they see someone being bullied. It can be hard to resist if a bully tries to get them to taunt or torment someone, and you may fear the bully will turn on you if you do not participate, but try to stand firm.

• Attempt to diffuse bullying situations when you see them starting up. For example, try do draw attention away from the targeted person, or take the bully aside and ask him or her to “cool it.” However, do not place yourself at risk.

• If you can do so without risk to your own safety, get a teacher, parent or other responsible adult to come help.

• Encourage the bullied teen to talk with parents or a trusted adult. Tell an adult yourself if the teen is unwilling to report the bullying.

If your teen has been bullying others, there may be many reasons. Although certainly not all bullying stems from family problems, it’s a good idea to examine the behavior your child witnesses at home. Maintaining a positive home atmosphere is the best way to encourage your child to give up bullying. If your child lives with taunting or name-calling from other siblings or from a parent, it could be prompting aggressive or hurtful behavior outside of the home. Here are some additional points to discuss with your teen.

• Talk to your child about treating people who are different with respect and kindness. Teach your child to embrace, not ridicule, differences. Explain that everyone has rights and feelings.
  
• Emphasize that bullying is a serious problem. Make sure your child understands you will not tolerate bullying and that bullying others will have consequences at home.

• Observe your child interacting with others and praise appropriate behavior. Positive reinforcement is more powerful than negative discipline.

• Talk with school staff and ask how they can help your child change his or her bad behavior. Be sure the keep in close contact with the staff.

• Set realistic goals and don’t expect an immediate change. As your child learns to modify behaviors, offer assurances that you still love him or her, it’s the behavior you don’t like.

If you have additional concerns about bullying in your child’s school you may want to talk with the school principal about bullying policies. For example, ask how bullies are disciplined and whether areas where bullies harass people like stairwells or courtyards are observed by staff. Voice your concerns to teachers, fellow parents, school bus drivers, school counselors, the school board, and the parent-teacher association. If your child’s school doesn’t already have one, start an antiviolence program. Ask if it includes youth representatives. As adults concerned about school safety, we need to realize that students are powerful allies to help put an end to school violence issues. One of the best ways to end bullying is to have a partnership between the students and teachers.